I can feel it the same way you can smell a summer storm… a whole lot of physical sensation and a voice telling me to be prepared. A lot of mental confusion. That always means I need to take time to gain clarity, and give myself the space.
I wrote that to a friend about what I have in store over the next little while.
There are other physical symptoms that are out of my norm – I can feel the muscles between shoulder and neck start to unravel just a bit. I have trouble sleeping one night, then the next a deep, dreamless sleep takes over.
What happens to me is that I explode in this … progress, development, set of realizations, and then I spend time living and getting used to the changes produced. Like the heart/thorn dream that stays with me, or the arrow through water vision that stays with me — the images are what stay and prompt things like… remembering to walk the world with an open heart. Remembering that anger is a natural part of who all of us are but that I need to look at what causes it more closely, more calmly — and just look at it, period.
At this point I know when it’s coming and I know to give myself the space. The main problem is that these things begin whether I’m sitting at my desk at work, having dinner with my kids, or standing in the shower in the morning, or driving on the highway (not so safe). They used to happen at night.
Sometimes the leaps are subtle but shift my behavior permanently. Like the slow dawn of a realization, and I say, “Oh, yes, I see now” and then just… live that realization.
The bigger ones are never what I expect. The first one happened almost two years ago, possibly further back – it was about recognizing myself to be my own person – a spiritual, intellectual, emotional, subconsciously different other, while remaining married to a completely enmeshed, dependent partner. The second, to let go of my ex and all of the ridiculous shit he did – just… let it go. Then, to recognize my part in the pattern, the pattern as unhealthy, the connection as murderous to both of us.
The third was a slow dawn of recognition of attachment. That one I just woke up to – nothing dramatic – I just started letting go of things, right and left. Then there was a forgiveness and embracing of self that is still ongoing, to this day, as I cope with my own rage and anger.
If I look at the progression, it’s been a process of becoming and letting go of what I became. There are more changes that have happened than I rattled off here, an imperceptible number of shifts that have taken place in which I have learned what’s important to me, who I am, what I need to be happy.
Of emerging as a separate, distinct, strong individual standing entirely on my own, into a softer version of that super-strong, resilient woman, someone who loves and loves and loves, someone who can be vulnerable (well, still working on that one)… a process of blurring the lines between myself and others.
So now, I’m at a place where there are some people between whom the lines must be firm and clear. Others I can be softer, more permeable with. Still others I have to switch states to be around.
So we will see where I end up after this one. I think this one will be about energy and awareness, about connecting to others safely, about trust and openness. But I could be completely wrong.
